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Why Women Shouldn’t Take Men Shopping

Like most men I fmd shopping boring and prefer to walk in, go directly to what I came for, purchase it and leave. Unfortunately, my wife is like most women, she loves to browse and compare. A few days ago, she received the following letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Woodward,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this• behavior and have been forced to ban him from coming with you to our store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woodward, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

    1. July 15 — Took 24 boxes of Early Pregnancy Tests and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
    2. August 2 — Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
    3. August 7 — He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the meat department.
    4. August 19 — Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Hardware. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
    5. September 4 — Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
    6. September 14 — Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
    7. September 15 — Set up a tent in the camping department and told children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
    8. September 23 — When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMT's were called.
    9. October 4 — Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his teeth.
    10. October 10 — While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk were the anti-depressants were.
    11. November 3 — Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.
    12. November 6 — In the auto department he changed all the stickers on the tires so that all of the sizes were mixed up.
    13. November 18 — Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, "PICK ME, PICK ME!!
    14. November 21 — When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
    And lastly, but certainly not least:
    15. December 2 — Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" One of our clerks passed out, then quit when she came to.

Of course, this letter and all of the above events are fictional (well, most of them). But, what do you do when you're bored or have some time on your hands? Why not find something to do for others? How about checking out one of the programs for the church? Ever thought about studying your Bible? Or praying? Or one of a thousand other things you could do in the name of Jesus to make this world a better place? See you at Wal-Mart and, of course, at church!
For His Cause,
Tim Woodward